Fight for Life

Since the beginning my life has been quite different in the sense that I wasn’t like the majority of people. As any life story goes it began on the day of my birth, May 13 in the year of 1995. Due to a premature birth of being 3 months early I weighed 1 pound and 3 ounces. My mother at the time had just gotten a seizure so an emergency C-section was done and thus I was born. Due to my mothers seizure she couldn’t remember all the details but some are quite clear. The doctors believed I wouldn’t make it and if I did somehow they believed that I would be completely blind and have a possibility of other serious medical conditions. Therefore I had numerous surgeries and now have scars all around my body. 

Miraculously to the doctors surprise I fought on as I stayed in the ICU for months. Long story short I lived, however with being premature and with some family issues I have experienced a good amount of illness(es). I am not just writing this blog to tell my life story and the struggles I am currently going through, I am writing this blog to help others and spread awareness as well as do one of the hobbies I’ve always enjoyed which is writing.

Growing up my mother was constantly ill due to her losing her kidneys during the time I was born and I grew up without a father due to a problem with substance abuse on his end. I remember watching other children with their fathers and felt an overwhelming sadness because I didn’t have that bond with a man who shared some aspect of my DNA. I was also always ill and was constantly in the hospital due to issues with my lungs and having a low immune system. I constantly suffered from severe pneumonia which I would have for months on end. It was awful and the doctors couldn’t believe how bad my condition was. 

I would go from doctor to doctor and some would dismiss my problems from simply being a cold until one night I ended up having a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where I received treatment. The doctors then concluded that the seizure was caused by a lack of oxygen due to the fact that my pneumonia was severe. Therefore, came a breathing treatment which I needed to take couple times throughout a day and tons of medication along with breathing exercises for my lungs. As the severe pneumonia kept recurring every year, I was diagnosed with asthma and now every time I am ill with just the common cold I usually need to do a breathing treatment at home to lower my chances of developing pneumonia and better my breathing.

 I spent most of my childhood in the hospital due to my lungs and when I wasn’t in the hospital, I was constantly ill having to go to doctor appointments and missing a great amount of school along with not being able to run around and play much due to my lungs. I remember having to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital along with new years as a child. That time of year was supposed to be magical but unfortunately for me Christmas time meant winter and winter meant a higher chance of becoming ill.

As the issue with my lungs took a backseat, another illness arrived known as MDD or Major Depressive Disorder. Due to family medical history of depression and my past I developed this mental illness to which caused a great burden in my life. At one point, all I did was sleep,  I didn’t eat, I isolated myself, my grades which were usually high dropped down to failing grades, and I had no motivation whatsoever.  At that point in my life I felt like a zombie, I was just going through the motions without feeling much but sadness. I was in a dark abyss and I had struggled for quite some time to find my way out. Before life seemed unbearable to me and I hated it and I just put on a mask for everyone to show that I was fine when in reality I wasn’t.

I went to rock bottom at that point as I self injured and attempted suicide. That was a dark place in my life but I am past it and I am so glad to say that I am alive today. I’m no longer depressed and I now look at life in a positive way. Mental illnesses are often overlooked but many don’t realize that they are real medical conditions and they do cause a great amount of distress. If you or anyone you know has a mental illness and is in danger of themselves or someone else get help.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I used to hate when people would tell me it would get better because I felt like It never would but it did. If you are struggling you may email me and I will be all ears to listening.

Now as I am 19 soon to be 20 I have developed another illness. The illness is unknown as of now; I’ve been trying to get a diagnosis for six months but no such luck. This illness has affected my nervous system so now I can’t walk well and I am currently disabled. I cannot speak well or speak at all sometimes; I have tremors, muscle spasms, twitching, muscle loss, vision problems and much more. I hope I can soon find a diagnosis as it has already been six months but my diagnosing process took some steps back as some doctors accused me of faking my symptoms for attention and/or having the symptoms be all in my head thus saying it was a psychological/psychiatric issue. 

Therefore, I got evaluated by a psychiatrist and a psychologist to see if it was and the answer was no and that it wasn’t psychological/psychiatric. I know that because of my past with mental illness and the difficulty of my case that the physicians automatically thought it was due to a mental problem even though I haven’t had an episode of depression for a long time now. Nevertheless all I want is an accurate diagnosis because with this unknown illness, it’s not only affecting me greatly but it’s affecting my family as well and I don’t wish any of this on my family. 

One illness however that I am sure of that I have now that has just recently been diagnosed is Rheumatoid arthritis or also referred to as RA. RA is not like regular arthritis because it is an autoimmune disease. An autoimmune disease basically means your body attacks itself. In this case, it attacks your joints and tissues and causes inflammation along with pain and in some cases can be deforming and disabling. There is no cure for rheumatoid arthritis but it is treatable with medication. As of now I have not been prescribed medication yet as it has just been diagnosed. I have always had joint pain since the age of 5 and never knew why and I am so glad that I now have an answer to that. If you are struggiling with an illness or disability, I hope that my posts can help you in some way and if you aren't struggiling I hope I can make you look at life from a different perspective. 

I have always loved helping others and I hope that in someway this blog may help you no matter what situation you may be in. As Toy Storys theme song goes, "You got a friend in me."